STUCK
I’ve been working hard, really trying to cultivate my own garden and make something happen for myself. I’ve embraced the fact that no one is coming to save me and that each day I need to do one thing to bring myself closer to my goal. I know this, I’m doing this. But I don’t trust the process. I trust it for other people, I trust it as a law of the universe, I trust that God/Source/Gaia/ Spaghetti Monster is not an asshole - but for other people. Somehow I am the exceptional bereft soul born with the misfortune of being singled out by karma to spend life waist deep in quicksand. And the universe is standing on solid ground taunting me with all of the things I want my life to be but that I can’t get to. It’s hard to keep going, but especially on a day like today where work was just the pits.
I am doing things. I’m researching, I’m thinking, but most importantly I’m talking. I have been lucky enough to have some great conversations about this with some really wonderful people. And they believe in me. They believe that it will all work out and things will be OK. And I appreciate that, I do, it’s just that don’t they know that I am the One Exception. It’s not happening for me - I mean maybe if I were literally anyone else this would be a flamin’ hot cheetos-level story of triumph. But alas no. I am now serving time for mistakes made by another in another lifetime.
Pulling over the wambulance for a moment, I did have a truly enlightening conversation with a friend last night that really helped me to reframe some things. Like, try not to focus on needing a new job but instead on researching, making contacts, building connections. I love to do all of those things so yes, sign me up. Pal up with some others in the same boat to support one another. Find people who have done this and ask them how they did it. If I focus on these things, I don’t feel so desperate and depressed. And I really shouldn’t, I’ve barely dipped a toe into this process. I haven’t even started my resume, my linked in, nothing that requires a boss lady business suit. I have a crew of people cheering me on, people who believe in me for some reason, and I just need to take the next right step. Don’t worry about the staircase. Just go. And I do also mean that literally, as my child is going to be pissed that I haven’t picked her up yet.
