Today felt hard.
As is sometimes the case in life, today was a rough one. One of those days where you let your guard down a bit and then BAM. Disaster strikes. To be clear, by “disaster” I mean something went wrong at work. It’s all my fault, I got myself confused, I missed something I was supposed to do. On the plus side, I am not a brain surgeon so no one died. On the other hand, no matter my feelings on my job I can’t help but feel that it is an integral part of my identity and when I screw up, it feels like an indictment of worthiness as a human being. Which is so dumb, why am I allowing a job that I know is not the best use of my gifts and talents to be a devastating indictment of my value as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, etc? The people I love don’t care if I forgot to do something at the office. They don’t even know what my job is, I am the Chandler Bing in so many people’s lives. It’s bananas.
So as I write this I have my trusty notebook open - oh yes, I dog-eared the pages - back to the day I made a list of things I had learned over the last few years of in-depth and unwavering self-reflection. They are, in order of how I wrote them down:
It doesn’t have to have a story. I can make a mistake at work and that can be it - it doesn’t have to spiral into something bigger. It’s just a mistake.
But how am I RIGHT NOW? Well right now I am standing in my kitchen, breathing deeply on a beautiful day and listening to my “Acceptable Running Tunes” mix (“Run this Town”) and writing. And I feel better. RIGHT NOW I am….better than fine.
What is one thing I can do today? What’s my next baby step? Or big step? It doesn’t matter, just think of ONE THING I can do today. Spoiler alert, this is it.
What do I need right now that I am not getting? I stole this from Brene Brown re: fighting resentment in her marriage. But really it applies to anything: which bucket isn’t being filled? Meaningful work is what’s missing for me.
No one is coming to save you. I keep thinking the universe is going to put the right people and opportunities in my path, and maybe it will, but in the meantime I need to do some shit.
My new self is trying to fit into my old life - be patient. This was Mel Robbins, and she had a great point. I didn’t love my job prior to the Collapse of Everything so why, after all this massive change and self-reflection, would it be any easier now? Like, doesn’t it logically follow that some things would be harder?
Find the space between the thoughts. I never thought about the space between thoughts until I listened to Eckhart Tolle reading The New Earth. Now I actively look for it. Granted it’s always fleeting but it does somehow make me feel connected to something bigger than me.
Those are my big ones. I have a few others but as I was reading through them just now they didn’t resonate quite so much. Maybe they eventually will or maybe they’re garbage, I don’t know. David Goggins said, “Every day I’m painting a masterpiece, and that masterpiece is me.” That doesn’t feel true right now but maybe I can live my way into it? Is that a thing? I’ll let you know.
